I have just returned from snowy Scotland and a wonderful weekend workshop on Compassion Focused Therapy. I would like to express my thanks to Paul Gilberts’ team, including Chris Geber for their many words of wisdom.

Mindfulness and compassion are a constant component of my way of being with my counselling and hypnotherapy clients, although many light bulbs were going off this weekend. To be mindfully aware of your emotions, body and surroundings and sitting with your suffering (rather than trying to escape it) can be enlightening. Although on it’s own it may not provide all the answers to human givens such as self talk, self criticism, self doubt, guilt and shame. I believe that compassion is the necessary component that bridges that gap – compassion for self and other.

“Treat others as you would have them treat yourself” is the often used maxim that in theory offers a view of life that is equitable and balanced. However, in my experience of working with clients who have lived most of their lives in a state of threat, or at some level have been shamed by others, who often have a such a low sense of their own worth that they find it easier to treat others and think of others in a far better light than themselves. The metaphorical stick to hit themselves with.

Sometimes we have to forgive ourselves for being human and put that ‘stick’ down, let go of the shame imposed by others and move on – congratulating ourselves for the resultant learning. This isn’t a lame excuse for treating others badly – far from it – it is about listening to the wise caring voice in us that has our best interests at heart – and that includes being kind to ourselves and others too. Kindness is viral, you let someone out in the traffic and someone gives you directions – or helps you out of the snow (very topical for the early snow we are having this year). I believe that most of our suffering is caused by our resistance to ‘what is’; our resistance to pain. If we can get in touch with the pain and respond with uncommon kindness this may just help in a big way?

I intend to write more on this subject soon. If you would like to discuss how self compassion and kindness can be the antidote to self criticism and toxic shame through counselling, mindfulness or hypnosis then please contact me at Calm Minds in Bramhall. Or visit www.compassionatemind.co.uk for more information.

Jonathan Lloyd
November 2010