My counselling clients here in Bramhall, Cheshire inform my practice and writing. I have noticed that there are four common features reported by my counselling clients who present with negative stress response issues.

1. Emotional attachment to the external - you love the job, or you love the person that you are caring for, or the family the job supports. This reliance on the external leaves your locus of control dependant on external factors - your happiness depends on how others respond, or even what the weather is like!
2. At some level, the demands that you have are unwanted - they can be unwanted at a high or even low level. Much of the appraisal of whether a demand is wanted or unwanted is done at a subconscious level. We are constantly appraising perceived risk and wanted/unwanted demands.
3. Unrealistic expectation of self is the driving force that motivates us to carry on with unwanted demands even though our bodies may be screaming at us to slow down. These often originate in childhood - perhaps your role was to look after the family, parents wanted 100% in all the exams, or you received a message that you must try your best at all times. Such belief systems result in a striving for a perfection that eludes us all. As human beings, I believe, we are perfectly imperfect, and we should be kinder to ourselves - forgive ourselves for being human! A calmer more realistic state is more productive in the long run.
4. To be excluded from the tribe in our not too distant past would result in death. We are social animals who thrive when we feel loved and supported. Sure, we sometimes need some time on our own - but a sense of isolation - that could be felt through low pay, being ignored or side-lined can leave us feeling threatened and anxious.

All of the above factors leave us in the ‘red-zone’ with our threat systems at work. This is a useful state to be in when crossing a busy road, but not running on a constant basis.

We need to get into the ‘green-zone’ more often; this is a place of safe-ness, relaxation, repair, digestion and renewal.

I offer the following alternative Well-being model that will help to create a green state.

If you live in Greater Manchester, Stockport or Cheshire - or within an easy drive of Bramhall and you would like to discuss how counselling for stress could help you - please contact us on 0161 439 7773 or email me - jonathan@calmminds.com .

We also run Well-being workshops for companies around the U.K...

We run bespoke stress management courses for teachers through SRM (UK) - see www.srmuk.org.

I have just returned from snowy Scotland and a wonderful weekend workshop on Compassion Focused Therapy. I would like to express my thanks to Paul Gilberts’ team, including Chris Geber for their many words of wisdom.

Mindfulness and compassion are a constant component of my way of being with my counselling and hypnotherapy clients, although many light bulbs were going off this weekend. To be mindfully aware of your emotions, body and surroundings and sitting with your suffering (rather than trying to escape it) can be enlightening. Although on it’s own it may not provide all the answers to human givens such as self talk, self criticism, self doubt, guilt and shame. I believe that compassion is the necessary component that bridges that gap – compassion for self and other.

“Treat others as you would have them treat yourself” is the often used maxim that in theory offers a view of life that is equitable and balanced. However, in my experience of working with clients who have lived most of their lives in a state of threat, or at some level have been shamed by others, who often have a such a low sense of their own worth that they find it easier to treat others and think of others in a far better light than themselves. The metaphorical stick to hit themselves with.

Sometimes we have to forgive ourselves for being human and put that ‘stick’ down, let go of the shame imposed by others and move on – congratulating ourselves for the resultant learning. This isn’t a lame excuse for treating others badly – far from it – it is about listening to the wise caring voice in us that has our best interests at heart – and that includes being kind to ourselves and others too. Kindness is viral, you let someone out in the traffic and someone gives you directions – or helps you out of the snow (very topical for the early snow we are having this year). I believe that most of our suffering is caused by our resistance to ‘what is’; our resistance to pain. If we can get in touch with the pain and respond with uncommon kindness this may just help in a big way?

I intend to write more on this subject soon. If you would like to discuss how self compassion and kindness can be the antidote to self criticism and toxic shame through counselling, mindfulness or hypnosis then please contact me at Calm Minds in Bramhall. Or visit www.compassionatemind.co.uk for more information.

Jonathan Lloyd
November 2010