In his wonderful book, The Compassionate Mind, Paul Gilbert laments that despite the fact we live in a world of unprecedented wealth and comfort there is evidence that we are becoming more miserable and irritable in a stressful hurry-hurry society. The business model lifestyle is causing us unhappiness. It wasn’t too long ago that we were all promised early retirement due to improved technology. I can’t help but smile at that thought as I type this on my laptop, in some ways technology seems to have made life busier and we are more exposed to availability.

However, I can’t accept that it is just internal influences that influence our negative stress response; it’s about our perception too.

In a recent paper I have introduced a model of what clients say about stress. There appear to be four common factors at play, as seen below:-

Emotional Attachment to External

One cause of the stress process involves some form of strong emotional attachment to the ‘external’. For example, a client may report that they “love the job”, “I hate the job, but I need it to feed my family” or “I feel obliged to look after my elderly Mother”. The client may feel that they have no control, because they love the job, family or Mother so much and their locus of control is external. Higher levels of stress response are apparent when the locus of control is perceived to be external.

Feeling Unsupported

The perception of lack support and isolation during a stressful period in life can add to the negative response - the direct effect model. The buffer model of support is often reported by clients as a feeling of being undervalued or unheard, which can manifest at work in low pay, perceived low status, poor working conditions and bullying. It is also apparent out of work, in relationships, at home with domestic responsibilities/parenting or in a caring relationship.

Counselling could also be viewed as a form of support, and a number of reports confirm the effectiveness of this form of support in helping with stress levels.

Unwanted Demand

The appraisal of unwanted demand is commonly reported by my clients with stress response symptoms, normally with unwanted high demand. The key issue in that negative stress arises in the interaction between the environment and the person, and the demands on the person are perceived as being unwanted and being out of balance with their ability to respond. Such imbalances appear to occur if the demands are too high (crises, overload of work or responsibility) or too low (unemployment or dull routine).

High Self/Other Expectation

My counselling work with clients reporting high stress levels can often include a level of unrealistic expectation on ‘self’, which can also project onto ‘other’. Those with the personality traits of striving hard for achievement and success also leave people prone to stress related illnesses such as coronary heart disease. I do not believe that my clients in this field relate to the classic Type A personality as they were not apparently always aggressive or competitive. The unrealistic expectation levels appear to have their roots in early life and clients will report that, for example, “I am still trying to impress my Father, he never seemed to be pleased with anything I did, 99% wasn’t enough for him”. This type of message received from a significant other can set up a concept of self which can often be projected onto others, leaving the client feeling let down. What would usually be perceived as a challenge is taken to a level where nothing is good enough and only perfection will do. I found that a perfectionist attitude can rob you of a sense of personal satisfaction and cause you to fail to achieve.

If you want to find out more about stress, either with one to one counselling or workshops for your business, please contact me at Calm Minds in Bramhall.

Jonathan Lloyd